


22-19-16-15-15-11-25

by MostFacinorous



Series: Night Vale Secret Police Archives [5]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Halloween, Multi, Podfic, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MostFacinorous/pseuds/MostFacinorous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The following file is from the archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police phone tap records. This communication may contain confidential, proprietary, legally privileged, or raunchy information. It is intended only for Official Local Secret Police Business. Please do not use, listen to, retransmit, or masturbate to the following recording, unless you are part of the Sheriff’s Secret Police force. If you have accessed this recording and are not a member of the Secret Police, please purchase a pumpkin, carve the numbers 14-9-14-5 15-14-5 15-14-5 into it, place a candle inside, light it, and leave it in front of your door. Then, wait calmly for the Secret Police response team to arrive. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	22-19-16-15-15-11-25

Recording can be found [[here](http://nvsparchive.tumblr.com/post/69768646047/night-vale-secret-police-archives-recording-number)]

Download can be found [[here](http://kiwi6.com/file/nqnw6viyoh)]

Transcript below.

[SPO Antonia]

The following file is from the archives of the Sheriff’s Secret Police phone tap records. This communication may contain confidential, proprietary, legally privileged, or raunchy information. It is intended only for Official Local Secret Police Business. Please do not use, listen to, retransmit, or masturbate to the following recording, unless you are part of the Sheriff’s Secret Police force. If you have accessed this recording and are not a member of the Secret Police, please purchase a pumpkin, carve the numbers 14-9-14-5 15-14-5 15-14-5 into it, place a candle inside, light it, and leave it in front of your door. Then, wait calmly for the Secret Police response team to arrive. Thank you.

 

[Cass] what do you mean your hair keeps untying itself?

{Phone buzzes}

[C] Hang on, someone on the other line.

[Tracy] Hey Antonia, you there?

[Antonia] Yup! What’s up?

[T] Just out of curiosity, can you see who’s on the other line?

[A] Yeah, um. {typing noises}

[A]Glenna Hayward-- is that the daughter of the mortician?

[T] Oh, yeah. Right on!

{muffled noise}

[C] You still there?

[T] Yup. What’d Glenna want?

[C] I’m going to three way her right now and find out. It’s Something to do with both of us, apparently

[T] Alright, go for it.

{dialing sounds}

{single ring}

[Glenna] Hello?

[Bernard] Hi!

[Tracy] How’s it going?

[Cass] ‘Sup?

[Antonia] Hey!

[G] Damn, this is a party call.

[T] Yeah… sorry bout that. These are Bernie and Toni, they’re our secret police phone monitors.

[G] ...Who’s mine?

[A] Sorry, that’s classified.

[G] What? But you guy um...n--never mindI was calling to see if you guys want to come to the minifuneral of Michael Sandero’s head that we’re having here-- and by we, I mean me and… some corn chips.

[B] Do you usually have funerals for miscellaneous body parts?

[C] Heck yeah! That’s how we met actually-- Glenna called to have us cover the funeral for some tentacles that were the victim of-- you know-- that that Street Cleaning day a few years back.

[T] I dunno Glenna, I feel like going there means supporting the guy Michael used to be. I mean, I like the Russian head a lot better. I don’t know what he’s saying, but he seems nice.

[C] Whatever... you don’t have to decide right now. Anyway, Glenna, you know how Tracy is working for Carlos the scientist now? Well, she was just about to read us some of his journal while she inputs it. You wanna listen in?

[G] Sure. Uh, I gotta put you on speaker phone, though. Need both hands. This chick is a mess.

[T] It’s cool. Go ahead.

Okay. Oh wow, look at the timing-- this one is from when Michael first grew the Russian head.

{clears throat}

[T]Spent the day investigating the local boy who was apparently stricken by lightning, and, seemingly as a side effect, has grown a second head.

We were able to interview he and his mother, and then, with a little effort (and an IOU to Jenny for distracting the woman) we got to talk to Michael on his own.

He’d apparently been experiencing a wave of depression, as his grades slipped, his popularity crumbled, he lost friends, girls showed no interest in him, and he wasn’t particularly good at the sports his mother made him play, due to his lifelong cerebral palsy, and his recently amputated right hand, taken-- apparently--by the city council for an overdue library book.

 

Note to self: find out about all things owed in this town, and be sure they are paid in a timely manner.

 

Interestingly, Michael now has a straight spine, a regrown hand, a very intelligent and good looking extra head, and a much brighter outlook on life, despite his mother making it very plain that she considered he and his new head to be two separate people, and that she considered him the lesser of the two.

 

Honestly, I did try contacting child protective services, upon hearing Mrs. Sandero’s goings on, but CPS in Night Vale is apparently not the unbiased service it is elsewhere. When I explained my concerns, the woman on the other end of the phone just laughed and agreed with the boy’s mother.

 

[C] Well yeah, Michael was kind of a jerk. Mikael is so much more chill. Your boss is a total bleeding heart.

 

[T] Whatever, you like sensitive guys, I think you get it. Any way… Hey Glenna, what even happens to the amputated body parts from the City Council? Is that your department, or…?

 

[G] Yeah, you know, we don’t know what they do with them... And we definitely do NOT ask.

 

[A] Probably for the best.

 

[T] ahem.

The nearest we could come to a conclusion is that the lightning bolt that hit somehow granted Michael’s wish, and made him better looking, more physically fit, and more intelligent… with the drawback of having his new head only speak Russian. Which, some of the interns said, sounded like more than a fair trade off.

I sent those ones back to the lab. Because this kid has a new head and also a regenerated hand. This could be the key to some sort of medical breakthrough! The Russian... is just.. weird.

 

[C] Hey wait, didn’t the Apache Tracker start speaking Russian, like right around the time he disappeared and then reappeared with that whole racial transformation thing?

 

[T] Well, duh, if it’s a wish granting lightning bolt, obviously he wished to have Indian Magics, like an asshole, and it gave him them, but like… and then Russian.

 

[C] And Glenna, doesn’t your girlfriend speak Russian?

 

[G] Yeah, but she’s always spoken Russian. She also speaks English, like five cuss words in Italian, and ‘Can I touch your butt’ in Elvish, so there’s no lightning and wish making from her, as far as I know. And I think I would know.

 

[B] Yeah, we have no record of her ever having been struck by lightning, but we do have record of she and Glenna speaking English just an hour ago.

 

[T] Right, thanks Bernie. Glenna, are you inviting her to the head’s funeral, too? And will Mikael be there? I’d love to get his opinions on the surgery, if she’ll translate.

 

[C] {gasps} Are you going all non print reporting too? Tracy! Won’t your mom be upset?

 

[T] It’s for Carlos’s research-- I won’t be publishing. Pretty sure I’m safe.

 

[G] I can ask her. I need to hang up and text though, and I better get going because this corpse’s face just started bubbling glowing blue stuff, and I need more powder out of the back room so... I’ll talk to you guys later.

 

[C] Ooh quick! Before you clean it up? Bottle that shit! If it’s pure, I know a guy who gets like, top dollar for just a little glass vial of it. Call me later, I’ll hook you up. And uh, on that note, I should probably get going too. Later kids!

 

[T] Yeah, ditto. Bye all! {clicks}

 

[B] Always a pleasure, ladies!

 

[A] Bernie, I think you need to sharpen your people skills.

 

[B] No one asked you, Toni. {click}

 

[A] This concludes recording number 22-19-16-15-15-11-25. This recording and any files transmitted with it are confidential and intended solely for the use of the Sheriff’s Secret Police, or the entity to whom they are addressed. If you have received this recording in error please notify the Secret Police. You can contact us by placing a bowl full of full sized candy bars on your welcome mat, and humming ‘spooky scary skeletons’, loudly. And I mean full size candy bars-- not those funsize things-- actual candy bars. Don’t be a cheap skate. Thank you.

 

[Maria] This episode of the NVSP Archive was brought to you by Mountains, made of nickle.

They exist, and we are grateful to them.

Thank You.

 

This episode featured the vocal talents of Kalyn Salguiero as Secret Police Officer Antonia

Tim Herber as Secret Police Officer Bernie

Courtney Ortega as Cassandra Williams

Maria Perry as Tracy Hart

 

and featured our  special guest voice and contest winner Ace Norman as Glenna Hayward


End file.
